Backpedaling grief

By Laurie on Thursday, October 2nd, 2008

I’m such a freakin’ whiner. Really. I didn’t used to think so. Perhaps it’s old age(yeah). I’m not quite sure what I can get out of whining about this now. I rarely go on about negative crap like this, so I have to get in my quota for the year.

It comes down to decisions. Ultimately, they define who we are as people. Sometimes, we won’t see the effects of some of those decisions right away. It’s those particular ones which I’m whining about here now.

I made a decision some time ago. When all is/was said and done, it was the right decision to make. The only problem is that that ordeal has left some side effects behind that I was not expecting. Maybe my brain is slowly breaking itself further and I need therapy - I’m not sure, but I’m having a slightly difficult time dealing with these side effects. Perhaps change is becoming harder to bounce back from at my age. I’m a Gemini though, shaking things up is supposed to be part of my “thing”. We all defy our own norms on occasion, though, it’s true.

I just feel like a bad person - no one wants to feel that way, ever. Not even the bad guys. I always thought I was a good person with the rare “idiot moment”. Lately, though, I feel so different than I used to. Less confident in my intentions. Making decisions and not realizing the consequences.
I mentioned ‘feeling alone’ recently. Technically, no I’m not alone. Anyone who has someone they know who they can call “friend” is not really alone. I guess maybe I meant it in a different way than is usually understood. Maybe, really, we’re all alone together in this world. Maybe there is no alternative and that that decision I made didn’t make me more “alone”, it just made me realize I *was*.

I call many people “friend”. I’m a friendly person. I may not be outgoing, but I’m friendly. I smile and help people I don’t know. I try to be as patient as possible with everyone. I give people the benefit of the doubt on many occasion. Is it Karma? Is it wanting people to like me? Both? I’m not sure. I’ve always tried to be something to those I call “Friend”. Consistently, I’ve opened up myself to them, in the past.

However, these days I’ve not been able to really do that. I’m guarding myself more closely than I used to. THIS is the side effect from a decision I made over a year ago. If anything, it’s gotten much worse as time goes on. Instead of feeling comfortable, I just babble on in amusement hoping to eventually drown out this feeling. Convince myself that it’s normal and I should just get used to it. Perhaps getting used to it would be the best course of action anyway. I just wonder if I’ll ever be back there again - unguarded, open, trusting, and sure.

See, toldya I was a whiner.