HOLY GOD.

I was terrified and anxious as hell. I stayed terrified, but the anxiety passed. The instructor was very nice and patient with me. Thank heavens. I did okay, though I’m totally new at all of this and will spend a lot of time getting used to the “feel” of driving.

It’s amazing how foreign it felt, yet familiar at the same time. Must be all the video games I’ve played. Who knows. Hour and a half later, I’m back home and happy to be in one piece. It was kinda fun, I do admit. We took country highways and was only in town for a bit.

Two more hours tomorrow… where I get to park and drive more around other people.

CRY.

It’s totally freakin’ dangerous.

I liked how I spent all day hearing about how dangerous and life threatening it is to drive - since, you know, the reason I’m 29 and without a license is because I’m SCARED OF DRIVING.

Talk about confronting a phobia. I didn’t just confront it, I made out with it, bought it flowers, and proposed to it. Yeeeeeesh. Just as well. By the end of the class, I just wanted to check out the “Responsible Driving” class book, make my driving appointments, and GO HOME.

I get in the car with an instructor on Tuesday and Wednesday for a total of four of the six hours I need of actual driving for the class. My first guy is a cop, about my age or so, which will be nice in comparison to today. Then, all I have to do is take three more classes and two more hours of driving. From there? Working on getting my license.

Holy undead Jesus - I’m old and stupid. I’m slowly starting to understand all the college mumbo jumbo whositwhatsit, and I’m looking forward to talking to someone THERE to ask my questions. Boy do I have a lot of ‘em. I hope I’m prepared for this challenge. Yegads. Me in school again is a weird thought. I liked schoolwork… but I just know I’ll be surrounded by a buncha preppy young kids and want to claw my face off.

I start my driving course on Saturday. I originally signed up for February, but called and the dude there said I could switch to January’s. I just have to give ‘em a call on Friday. I AM SCARED WITLESS… a) confronting a phobia and b) I’m a wuss. Oh well. Crossin’ my fingers I don’t make a total ass out of myself.

Happy New Year!

I’ve wandered into a dark place, a thick fog of familiar stench. I’ll bury myself underneath the weight of it for a while.

Two newer sketches added, as promised.

    

I won’t go into holiday-speak. I hate the holidays, sorry, ya’ll. It’s nice to give a few people you really care about some gifts and a big hug to make them smile and show your appreciation for them, otherwise - wake me up when it’s January. Have a fun holiday whoever you are!

So, beyond that, I can chalk up 2008 as a learning experience of various magnitudes. I think I’ve finally made up my mind about a few things. This is good. At the same time, though, they scare the hell out of me. It’s about time, however. I’ve bounced around in my comfortable dormancy for far too long. I want to DO, to GO, to SEE. Goshdarnit! So, I’m considering college here at APSU, finally. I know I’ve talked about it for years… I’m going to actually move ahead with it when I am able. Currently, I’m interested in the Communications Department’s Media Technology program. It seems like an eclectic mix of experiences that I’d like to focus on.

After I learn how to drive, that is. *groangroangroan* Has to be done! I made a bet!

Also still artsing about here and there. Will add more to the Gallery at http://www.thallos.net later. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with Hello Chewie whilst I go drown in Persona 3.

I will continue doing that, I think. Netflix Instant Play is in beta for Mac, and it seems to be working pretty well right now. I watched THX 1138… Clockwork Orange… more to come for sure. I might watch Our Man Flint today sometime. I love movies. Mmmm. <3

Anyhoo, I’ve been running around like an idiot with PSU issues… finding out that my Dell MB uses a 20 pin CPU connector (seriously… I mean… is it ’cause it’s a BTX board with quad-core compatibility? WTF), and having to order a specific PSU… that apparently doesn’t come with a power cable. Dude from Dell CS in Texas - I think you said your name was Jim. We had a nice chit-chat. Thank you for getting me that cable so fast. Really, I owe you coffee.

I’m back online now, at least. Working on more art, a website, and can hopefully get back on the air next week. Eh well, it was an interesting “vacation” from my desk, I suppose. However, between Fallout 3 and the Wrath release this weekend - I imagine I’ll be glued to my seat again. At least, for a little while.

Maybe, it’s the lack of distracting myself with MMORPGs. I haven’t played many such games, lately. I can only guess that their thrall over me is officially gone and I’m rediscovering my love of creating imagery.

So, again, today I’m working on another piece that was inspired by a wonderful friend of mine. It’s kinda late in the day, but I spent most of the morning falling asleep to SWANS in my ears. So harumph to you!

Amnesia is an awesome song, btw.

It comes down to decisions. Ultimately, they define who we are as people. Sometimes, we won’t see the effects of some of those decisions right away. It’s those particular ones which I’m whining about here now.

I made a decision some time ago. When all is/was said and done, it was the right decision to make. The only problem is that that ordeal has left some side effects behind that I was not expecting. Maybe my brain is slowly breaking itself further and I need therapy - I’m not sure, but I’m having a slightly difficult time dealing with these side effects. Perhaps change is becoming harder to bounce back from at my age. I’m a Gemini though, shaking things up is supposed to be part of my “thing”. We all defy our own norms on occasion, though, it’s true.

I just feel like a bad person - no one wants to feel that way, ever. Not even the bad guys. I always thought I was a good person with the rare “idiot moment”. Lately, though, I feel so different than I used to. Less confident in my intentions. Making decisions and not realizing the consequences.
I mentioned ‘feeling alone’ recently. Technically, no I’m not alone. Anyone who has someone they know who they can call “friend” is not really alone. I guess maybe I meant it in a different way than is usually understood. Maybe, really, we’re all alone together in this world. Maybe there is no alternative and that that decision I made didn’t make me more “alone”, it just made me realize I *was*.

I call many people “friend”. I’m a friendly person. I may not be outgoing, but I’m friendly. I smile and help people I don’t know. I try to be as patient as possible with everyone. I give people the benefit of the doubt on many occasion. Is it Karma? Is it wanting people to like me? Both? I’m not sure. I’ve always tried to be something to those I call “Friend”. Consistently, I’ve opened up myself to them, in the past.

However, these days I’ve not been able to really do that. I’m guarding myself more closely than I used to. THIS is the side effect from a decision I made over a year ago. If anything, it’s gotten much worse as time goes on. Instead of feeling comfortable, I just babble on in amusement hoping to eventually drown out this feeling. Convince myself that it’s normal and I should just get used to it. Perhaps getting used to it would be the best course of action anyway. I just wonder if I’ll ever be back there again - unguarded, open, trusting, and sure.

See, toldya I was a whiner.

I’ve been hard at work lately with an art project I started in July.  It’s a comic-book inspired image that will be printed and hung on my wall.  Squee!  Still in progress, but you can find the progression here in Projects.  Keep an eye out!